What is Happiness?
Happiness. I always wanted to find a good definition for this word. The word contains the word ''happy''. So my definition of happiness is:
''Happiness is a feeling that comes over you when you know life is good and you cant help but smile. It is the opposite of sadness.''
July 6 - Ten months, six days
Ann can tell that Conner is in a good mood today, because he left a note on her windshield telling her ''she is beautiful''
She compares herself to Conner's mother. She says she doesn't have to be there for Conner, she chose to be there for him. That's what makes her special in her opinion.
While the couple is watching a funny movie, Conner laughs alot. Ann wants to laugh with him, but she cant. She thinks her laughter is broken, like everything else inside of her. If Conner looks at her she will fake it. Because she wants him to stay happy.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I was not allowed to be happy, unless I was with him. The thing about happiness is, that once it is taken away from you, you start to forget how to be happy. Because it was taken away from me, I didn't know how to be happy. Yes there were moments where I felt joy that I did something right, but I could never let out a smile that was true. The smiles that I had were fake. I felt like a robot. I was walking around but I couldn't feel any emotion. I felt like I was immune to it. The only thing I could show the most was sadness. I was an expert on being sad. That is the only time I showed my true emotion. The thing at that time, I didn't realize it was damaging me so much. I was just naive.
But there were moments that made me satisfied. Times where it was good. When I didn't do any mistakes and he was happy. Ann describes these moments like an ''island in a stormy sea, and she takes them and hide and hope no one finds her.''
These moments I cherished alot. These moments I hold on to, when things got bad. These moments I wished I could forget, because if I forgotten them, I could have left him easier.
Ann thinks he doesn't love her as much as she loves him. She could even be right.
I did more for him than he did for me. I am not a calculative person, but the things I did for him, I wouldn't have done for just anybody. I was mostly forced to do it. I was manipulated. I was made to do it.
After witnessing a fight between Conner and Blake, a friend of Ann, she runs to her mothers house. She doesn't go in, but she wonders what her mother would think if she sees her. If she would nothing how broken she is inside. She wants alot of things. She wants to go into a bed where nothing can hurt her. She wants her mother and the most important, she wants her father to be alive again and protect her like he once did.
I never told my mother about what happened. Even now, after two years, I never really told her the full story. She knows he was a bad person, but she didn't know in what extend he was bad. I never showed her the bruises I had, or the scars. The thing about my mother which is similar to the mother of Ann is that she is a person who judges someone very fast. I don't want my own mother to pity me. I don't want my mother to feel sad that she wasn't able to protect me. I don't want her to feel guilty. It was my mistake and it will stay my mistake.
Ann knows that Conner need her after the fight he has gotten into. But she wonders when this became something else, as it wasn't like this at the beginning.
Her last sentence is :"I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. I am dead to it."
I was dead to it as well.
Happiness. I always wanted to find a good definition for this word. The word contains the word ''happy''. So my definition of happiness is:
''Happiness is a feeling that comes over you when you know life is good and you cant help but smile. It is the opposite of sadness.''
July 6 - Ten months, six days
Ann can tell that Conner is in a good mood today, because he left a note on her windshield telling her ''she is beautiful''
She compares herself to Conner's mother. She says she doesn't have to be there for Conner, she chose to be there for him. That's what makes her special in her opinion.
While the couple is watching a funny movie, Conner laughs alot. Ann wants to laugh with him, but she cant. She thinks her laughter is broken, like everything else inside of her. If Conner looks at her she will fake it. Because she wants him to stay happy.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I was not allowed to be happy, unless I was with him. The thing about happiness is, that once it is taken away from you, you start to forget how to be happy. Because it was taken away from me, I didn't know how to be happy. Yes there were moments where I felt joy that I did something right, but I could never let out a smile that was true. The smiles that I had were fake. I felt like a robot. I was walking around but I couldn't feel any emotion. I felt like I was immune to it. The only thing I could show the most was sadness. I was an expert on being sad. That is the only time I showed my true emotion. The thing at that time, I didn't realize it was damaging me so much. I was just naive.
But there were moments that made me satisfied. Times where it was good. When I didn't do any mistakes and he was happy. Ann describes these moments like an ''island in a stormy sea, and she takes them and hide and hope no one finds her.''
These moments I cherished alot. These moments I hold on to, when things got bad. These moments I wished I could forget, because if I forgotten them, I could have left him easier.
Ann thinks he doesn't love her as much as she loves him. She could even be right.
I did more for him than he did for me. I am not a calculative person, but the things I did for him, I wouldn't have done for just anybody. I was mostly forced to do it. I was manipulated. I was made to do it.
After witnessing a fight between Conner and Blake, a friend of Ann, she runs to her mothers house. She doesn't go in, but she wonders what her mother would think if she sees her. If she would nothing how broken she is inside. She wants alot of things. She wants to go into a bed where nothing can hurt her. She wants her mother and the most important, she wants her father to be alive again and protect her like he once did.
I never told my mother about what happened. Even now, after two years, I never really told her the full story. She knows he was a bad person, but she didn't know in what extend he was bad. I never showed her the bruises I had, or the scars. The thing about my mother which is similar to the mother of Ann is that she is a person who judges someone very fast. I don't want my own mother to pity me. I don't want my mother to feel sad that she wasn't able to protect me. I don't want her to feel guilty. It was my mistake and it will stay my mistake.
Ann knows that Conner need her after the fight he has gotten into. But she wonders when this became something else, as it wasn't like this at the beginning.
Her last sentence is :"I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. I am dead to it."
I was dead to it as well.
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