I am tired of this.

July 16 - Ten months, sixteen days

The chapter starts with Conner asking Ann why she is still together with him. He knows she deserves someone better but he doesn't understand why she is still here with him. 

Ann just replies and says, '' I can live without him. I don't know who I am anymore if I'm not Conner's girlfriend. Doesn't he see that's all I am now? Doesn't he see that I've given up everything for him?''

Although Ann understands that he is not good for her, she still picked him over her own mother. 

Conner claims he hurts her so that she can leave him. But Ann replies saying he is the person she wants him to be. Conner and herself both knows this is a lie. The person Ann wants to be together with only exist in tiny scenes. Its not the whole Conner.

You may wonder why Ann doesn't want to leave him even though she herself understand that he isn't the person she is in love with. When I was in that kind of relationship, I didn't want to be alone. I was scared of being alone. I had goals that i wanted to reach, but i couldn't reach them by being alone. That's what I thought. For the same reasons as Ann, I only saw him. I thought that is what I deserved. The person I fell in loved with was not the same person that was mostly there with me. He, like Conner, only existed in tiny scenes. 

Ann describes her fear of losing Conner. She feels like she is falling down a mountain, clawing at anything she can grab, and she is missing everything and picking up speed and eventually there will be a cliff, and she will become nothing. 

My ex-boyfriend ever did broke up with me. Although I knew it was for the best, I begged him to take me back. I was really begging him. I didn't understand why I had to do it, And i even knew he enjoyed seeing like this. I was desperate. I was afraid. I just didn't want to be alone. I felt like I was thrown into a hole. There's way out. But he was standing at the edge, holding a ladder. But not giving it to me. He was waiting, seeing what I was doing to get out. 

But the thing is, you wont understand how it is to be alone, if you have never been alone. So alone that you just have none but yourself. I was alone. But because of this, I am now not afraid to be alone.