This is the end for us

May 28 - Eight Months , Twenty-eight days

Ann has a best friend. Her name is Abby. Abby helped her when she was not able to do so herself. Abby did her final- grade project because she was too caught up with Connor.
Ann understood that she has let her down. She has let her best friend down. By looking at Abby, she sees the empty look in her eyes. The warmth, sympathy and the friendship gone. She just stares back to her as if she was nothing.

I had a best friend too. I lost her, because of him. He broke my strong friendship bond with her, just because he didn't want to share me with anyone. I was afraid to tell her what kind of person he was. She supported the relationship at the beginning and she even said he was perfect. I used to tell her everything. I even called her my ''pink diary''. I always though she knew everything better and she mostly always protected me. But when he was here she didn't. She turned her back on me. She believed everything other people said. She knew me the best. 4 years of friendship went down the drain that instance. She didn't try and yes it was my fault to. I pushed her away. I didn't contact her because of him. Just because I was afraid. 

Even today, after 2 years, we haven't talked. haven't looked at each other. The friendship that we had has vanished. But to admit, I am glad we aren't friends. Because of her I know what true friendship is. I know friends will fight by your side till the very end. They wont just give up, no matter how hard everything is. Friends love you for who you are and they don't get influenced by other people.

I felt alone. I was all by myself until I met a real, good and loyal friend. She was true and real.


Because of this I realized, that girl was never truly my friend.

I want me back

May 31 - Nine months, One day

Ann finishes her high school career and has nothing else to do. She decides to go for a run to look for sea glasses for her project for Connor. While running she starts thinking about questions, Why did I stop doing this? Why did I give it up?  
She imagines telling Connor about her wanting to run and she knows he would understand. But she still decides that she wants her old life back. She wants herself back. She feels alive and wonders how she could have forgotten about the feeling of being free.

This thought of wanting my old life back has came to my mind many times. The feeling of wanting to be free. Free from his chains and his words..  Before I knew him, I was a person full of happiness and filled with love. After knowing him, I was a person filled with sorrow, sadness and pain. I lost myself and I didn't know how to get it back.
I always asked myself what I did to deserve this. Why it had to be me who had to be hurt and broken. But if it wasn't me it would have been someone else ending up hurt and maybe dead.
I was broken after this relationship, after all this pain, but I got myself back.
I did forget about the being free, but because I did forget, I broke the chains. I escaped my prison and became who I am now.
Happy, free and loved.

I am sorry..

I am sorry at the moment I don't have the time to write. I am in stress with school stuff and so on. But I will start writing soon again.

As an apology I would like to tell you a story, about what isolation can do to a person.

After I isolated myself because of my boyfriend, I started to lose interest in life. I tried to harm myself many times and never succeeded. Cutting, hitting, overdosing. I probably stopped in time because I was afraid of death. But I was desperate. I wanted to escape the desperation, the fear, and the pain. 

And the worst part? He knew about it. He told me I was a coward because I wasn't capable of killing myself. I was shocked by what he said.

How can someone tell a person who claims they love you, say that you are a coward for not being able to die. 

"Love" is a word that was being abused at that time. But now I know the correct definition of the word. Its called happiness.

My English Speech

Abusive Relationship

Today I am here to talk to you about Abusive relationships. I am reaching out to you because I need your help. I might just be one person in a world, with billions and billions of people. But John F. Kennedy once said: ''One person can make a difference, and everyone should try.''

So I asked myself: '' What is an abusive Relationship?'' Being abused means you are being mistreated. You feel like you are thrown into hole, while your significant other stands at the edge, holding a ladder. But instead of helping you out, they watch, and wait to see how you find a way, to get out of the hole yourself.

Many people don't know what being abused means. Many people don't know why people abuse others. And many people don't know what effect being abused can cause.

People who are abused don't see themselves as victims, as for abusers, they don't see themselves as being abusive. People often think being abusive means physical violence like hitting, slapping and even choking. But there is more to that. Abuse can take other forms, such as psychological, emotional , or sexual.

It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.

Abusers threaten you, your family and even your friends. They make you feel bad by telling you their mistakes were your own. They put you down, hoping you will feel useless , to make themselves feel better. And they isolate you from the world, as the world should only exist for them.

''But words are such unpredictable creatures. No gun, no sword, no army or king will ever be more powerful than a sentence. Swords may cut and kill, but words will stab and stay, burying themselves in our bones to become corpses we carry into the future.'' This a lesson I learned from an author from the book 'Ignite me'.

But the Abusers are often victims themselves. Some tragic incident caused them to become like this. Many abusers were hurt when they were a child. Maybe their role models like mothers and fathers left the family or even passed away. Or they are grown up in a world where violence only exist.

Pearl S. Buck quoted: ''Children who are not loved, will grow up to adults, who are incapable of loving.''

So I allude to you to think what effects could have for someone who suffered such relationship. I allude you to watch out for signs which indicate of you being in such relationship. I allude not to look away if you know people who are in such relationships. Help as many as you can.

The effects are irreversible and can destroy a person starting from the inside.

What is Happiness?

What is Happiness?

Happiness. I always wanted to find a good definition for this word. The word contains the word ''happy''. So my definition of happiness is:
''Happiness is a feeling that comes over you when you know life is good and you cant help but smile. It is the opposite of sadness.''

July 6 - Ten months, six days

Ann can tell that Conner is in a good mood today, because he left a note on her windshield telling her ''she is beautiful''
She compares herself to Conner's mother. She says she doesn't have to be there for Conner, she chose to be there for him. That's what makes her special in her opinion.
While the couple is watching a funny movie, Conner laughs alot. Ann wants to laugh with him, but she cant.  She thinks her laughter is broken, like everything else inside of her. If Conner looks at her she will fake it. Because she wants him to stay happy.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was not allowed to be happy, unless I was with him. The thing about happiness is, that once it is taken away from you, you start to forget how to be happy. Because it was taken away from me, I didn't know how to be happy. Yes there were moments where I felt joy that I did something right, but I could never let out a smile that was true. The smiles that I had were fake. I felt like a robot. I was walking around but I couldn't feel any emotion. I felt like I was immune to it. The only thing I could show the most was sadness. I was an expert on being sad. That is the only time I showed my true emotion. The thing at that time, I didn't realize it was damaging me so much. I was just naive.
But there were moments that made me satisfied. Times where it was good. When I didn't do any mistakes and he was happy. Ann describes these moments like an ''island in a stormy sea, and she takes them and hide and hope no one finds her.''
These moments I cherished alot. These moments I hold on to, when things got bad. These moments I wished I could forget, because if I forgotten them, I could have left him easier.

Ann thinks he doesn't love her as much as she loves him. She could even be right.
I did more for him than he did for me. I am not a calculative person, but the things I did for him, I wouldn't have done for just anybody. I was mostly forced to do it. I was manipulated. I was made to do it.

After witnessing a fight between Conner and Blake, a friend of Ann, she runs to her mothers house. She doesn't go in, but she wonders what her mother would think if she sees her. If she would nothing how broken she is inside. She wants alot of things. She wants to go into a bed where nothing can hurt her. She wants her mother and the most important, she wants her father to be alive again and protect her like he once did.

I never told my mother about what happened. Even now, after two years, I never really told her the full story. She knows he was a bad person, but she didn't know in what extend he was bad. I never showed her the bruises I had, or the scars. The thing about my mother which is similar to the mother of Ann is that she is a person who judges someone very fast. I don't want my own mother to pity me. I don't want my mother to feel sad that she wasn't able to protect me. I don't want her to feel guilty. It was my mistake and it will stay my mistake.

Ann knows that Conner need her after the fight he has gotten into. But she wonders when this became something else, as it wasn't like this at the beginning.
Her last sentence is :"I don't know what happiness feels like anymore. I am dead to it."

I was dead to it as well.

I am tired of this.

July 16 - Ten months, sixteen days

The chapter starts with Conner asking Ann why she is still together with him. He knows she deserves someone better but he doesn't understand why she is still here with him. 

Ann just replies and says, '' I can live without him. I don't know who I am anymore if I'm not Conner's girlfriend. Doesn't he see that's all I am now? Doesn't he see that I've given up everything for him?''

Although Ann understands that he is not good for her, she still picked him over her own mother. 

Conner claims he hurts her so that she can leave him. But Ann replies saying he is the person she wants him to be. Conner and herself both knows this is a lie. The person Ann wants to be together with only exist in tiny scenes. Its not the whole Conner.

You may wonder why Ann doesn't want to leave him even though she herself understand that he isn't the person she is in love with. When I was in that kind of relationship, I didn't want to be alone. I was scared of being alone. I had goals that i wanted to reach, but i couldn't reach them by being alone. That's what I thought. For the same reasons as Ann, I only saw him. I thought that is what I deserved. The person I fell in loved with was not the same person that was mostly there with me. He, like Conner, only existed in tiny scenes. 

Ann describes her fear of losing Conner. She feels like she is falling down a mountain, clawing at anything she can grab, and she is missing everything and picking up speed and eventually there will be a cliff, and she will become nothing. 

My ex-boyfriend ever did broke up with me. Although I knew it was for the best, I begged him to take me back. I was really begging him. I didn't understand why I had to do it, And i even knew he enjoyed seeing like this. I was desperate. I was afraid. I just didn't want to be alone. I felt like I was thrown into a hole. There's way out. But he was standing at the edge, holding a ladder. But not giving it to me. He was waiting, seeing what I was doing to get out. 

But the thing is, you wont understand how it is to be alone, if you have never been alone. So alone that you just have none but yourself. I was alone. But because of this, I am now not afraid to be alone.

It's nothing. Just like me.

August 30 - One year

This chapter continues from the very first chapter. Connor is angry and has hurt Ann. He shattered the sculpture Ann made for him. The beautiful heart sculpture broke into thousands of pieces.The heart sculpture stands for Ann's hard work. How each piece is not perfect, but all the imperfection becomes a whole that becomes perfect. Each piece stands for the affords Ann spend in it. The hours she searched for sea glass, the hours she put all the pieces together, all of it, shattered, littering the floor."And now it's nothing. Just like me." The glass sculpture broken, even though it was said to be treasured. Connor broke it because of his anger.

The heart symbolizes the love of Ann for Connor. Connor says he would appreciate it, but at the kids of his anger, he destroys it.Have you experienced something that you think: "yes, I have done well" and then someone comes and destroys it. The feeling when you spend hours in something and then it being crushed. It hurts, and it destroys you. You feel alone, hurt and the worst thing is, no one is there to save you. You are left alone to drown in your sorrows.

I myself, have never made something like a sculpture before. But I remember this one experience I had in school.I made cupcakes for school (I am a passionate baker). I remember making it for my spanish class. I made around 25 little cupcakes. They were made with love and they looked really beautiful. My classmates saw them and wanted to try. I saw it as an opportunity to talk to my classmates, my friends I once neglected. From the 25 pieces, left only like 10. When he said he wanted some too, I opened my locker and took one out. He saw there were only 10 left. He then asked me what happened to the rest. I said " I gave it to my friends. You could see his blood boiling, how angry he became that I gave it to other people. He freaked out and throw the whole box on the ground, throwing a few at me. He said, I was a bitch and that if he can't have many, no one else can.The efforts I did. The hours I spend. Backing made me happy, made me free. He destroyed it, because he was jealous i talked to someone. I was not allowed to talk to anyone.
The cupcakes that were once perfect and beautiful, were now destroyed, smashed and useless. Like me.
How could I allow someone to destroy me like destroying the beautiful little cupcakes?